Celine, BSB, House, Job

#9--Go to a Celine Dion concert

Say what you will, Celine Dion is one of my favorite artists of all time. My mom had almost all of her albums (which is ironic since my mom doesn't really like Celine Dion now) and I remember spending hours next to my boom box as a kid, playing the c.d.'s and trying to practice singing like her. Back in those days, if the lyrics weren't on the the album booklet thing, you had to put in some manual labor. I would play the song and periodically pause so I could write down the lyrics (this was before Google lyric search/YouTube....and maybe even before our family's first pc). In 4th grade, Titanic made it's big splash and I remember belting out "My Heart Will Go On" with the rest of my friends as we dreamed of blue diamond necklaces and wept tragically over the death of young Mr. DiCaprio. Celine also did a cameo on CBS's Touched By An Angel series and that's when I first heard "Love Can Move Mountains"--another favorite. To this day, when I blast that 90's goodness in my headphones (because my car Rosie has never had a radio), I can feel the power of love, feel it all coming back to me, and all the things I could do because you loved me.

Needless to say, when Whitney Houston passed away (FYI the BodyGuard soundtrack cassette tape aided in many a bathroom cleaning and impromptu interpretive dance session), I knew I had to see Celine before she too was gone. Luckily, she has a long-standing show in Las Vegas so this could actually be fairly feasible. Then low-and-behold, my friend Michelle posts on Facebook, her determination to see Ms. Dion in concert this very August. Done and done.

And Celine did not disappoint. She is a class act through and through (a little cheesy on the script but phenomenal performance).

Fancy schmancy theater--and yes we were the youngest people there

#31--Get a grown-up job

To be honest, this will need to be addressed in another blog post someday but I thought I'd give it a shout out since it's nice to check things off the list. Also, I work with the best people.

The next two items are more honorary but if I would have known them to be a possibility, they would most definitely have made the 99:

#?--See the Backstreet Boys in Concert

Um...BSB were my boys in 6th grade. Loved them. LOVED them. Peeps now think that the Jonas Brothers or One Direction are the bees knees...not compared to Kevin, AJ, Nick, Brian, and Howie. The synchronized hip hop choreography was larger than life and if the frosted tips didn't make you swoon, their 5-part harmony would leave any girl feeling incomplete without them!

Observe fan love here:

#?--Buy a house...

Yeah...not sure how this happened...it doesn't even feel real...but now I get to think about things like buying a lawn mower...and when the cooler stops working, I get to figure out how to get it working. I still don't know when my garbage day is and I am not sure how to get my mail. I'm kind of flying by the seat of my pants here. I used to think that grown-ups just knew what to do...but I am starting to realize that they might not have known as much as I gave them credit for. In one way or another, aren't we all flying by the seat of our pants?

Thoughts on a Vulnerable Heart...

I've just finished reading The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown (click here for more info--I highly recommend reading it!). I am baffled it took me so long to finish it because outside the gospel, her research and work has changed the way I approach my life more than anything else. As I finished this book, I've made a lot of connections to some of the experiences I've been going through.

So to make a long story...well appropriately vague for blogging...basically I thought I was in mutual "like" with someone...but then it got confusing. I was definitely feeling hurt and disappointed. My natural tendency was to pretend I was unaffected. But then I decided if I am going to be authentic, there's nothing shameful about expressing how I feel, even if he doesn't respond how I want him to. I was so scared to say what I wanted to but also calm because I think I'm getting better at practicing vulnerability.

...His response was not what I hoped for. I was taken aback by it. I think I've felt that for the past little while things were subtly changing--I just didn't want to admit it. That thought hurt but in that moment, I had a victory because I felt ok. I was sad and hurt but not really angry or embarrassed or self-deprecating. I leaned into vulnerability but rather than finding it excruciating, I found it to be merely bittersweet. I could be sad without shame poisoning the moments of excitement and connection I'd felt.

I was surprised my my own calm and acceptance of rejection. When I first watched "The Power of Vulnerability" TedTalk, I remember Brene Brown mentioning that one example of vulnerability was being the first to say "I love you." I was like "this lady is onto something but I could NEVER do that." I would die before I could leave myself that exposed. I felt emotionally naked just thinking about it! But I could recognize this as real bravery. That was two years ago. Since then, I've been trying to do things that are vulnerable, even if it scares me. Actually, especially if it scares me.

Two years later, I haven't had the chance to be the first to say "I love you," but the thought of saying it no longer terrifies me. Before I was scared because I never wanted to leave myself open to be laughed at or ridiculed. I have been so convinced for so long that I could never be enough and that I am incapable and inadequate and embarrassing--not just relationally but occupationally...spiritually...you name it. Since this was who I was, the best thing I could do to get by in the world was to make sure no one else could see it. Surely if they knew who I was, they would reject me. I would be alone. But the thing is, I was already feeling alone and rejected because I wasn't leaving myself open to connection. I didn't think I was worthy of it.

I think I'm finally reaching a place where I am not crippled by those feelings on a daily basis. Don't get me wrong, those feelings resurface rather frequently but they come less often, are less intense, and don't last as long. But if anything has come from this experience with this guy, it's realizing that a good, confident, funny, ambitious, spiritual man could in reality be interested in me. Because he was. He may not be now but he was on some level at one point. I don't need to act on the assumption that someone well-suited to me is automatically out of reach and out of my league. Just because I am single doesn't mean there is something wrong with me. I know this is kind of a "duh" statement but sometimes what I know in my head doesn't always translate to knowing in my heart.

I grew up thinking that good things are generally unattainable and fleeting at best because life is suffering. It is working hard and still having the rug pulled out from under you. I am angry that this idea exists and angry that so many around me have bought into it. And I'm sad that I've lived my life up until now continuing to buy into it.

"We are afraid to lose what we love the most, and we hate there are no guarantees. We think not being grateful and not feeling joy will hurt less...Marianne Williamson says, 'joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are'" (The Gifts of Imperfection, p. 82,84)

Sometimes I find myself scared to even mention any happy thoughts, excitement, or personal victories because I'm afraid I'll jinx" it. How ridiculous is this?! By doing this, I don't even allow myself to fully enjoy the moments of hope and joy I do have. It's not just pain and hurt and shame that are vulnerable, but even joy and happiness and success are vulnerable. And I am realizing I numb those too!

Brown talks about practicing gratitude as the pathway to joy. As I am looking back on this experience to see how my current experience differs from my past, I realize that the difference really has been gratitude. I am grateful for the excitement I have felt, for the self-acceptance I gained, for the hope I feel for the future, for the increased measure of confidence I feel in myself. At least in this situation, I haven't let the presence of pain and rejection overcome the moments of happiness I have felt. I feel like in the future I really could "love like I haven't been hurt"--or at the very least "like" somebody without feeling deterred by shame and self-doubt. This is a huge deal for a woman who two years ago couldn't even fathom the thought of saying "I love you" first. Now I look forward to it. In this moment I don't feel afraid of life. And I'm not afraid to admit that for fear I'll "jinx" my courage and it will go away. I'm learning to lean into the vulnerability of the painful and the hopeful--its my own case study in "daring greatly."

"Of a Good Courage"

A wise friend once observed that what makes the Old Testament so great is that it shares the stories of imperfect people and their interactions with God. One summer three years ago I had the chance to thoroughly study the bible. As I read, I found my friend was right. I was drawn to the people in the Old Testament. So much of the details of their lives are unknown but I liked to imagine how they would feel or what they thought or what parts of the conversation we don't know. I could see myself in their struggles, I empathized with their challenges, sorrowed in their trials, and rejoiced in their triumphs.

On my mind recently is Joshua. Joshua had the honor of following Moses as the leader of Israel. I say "honor" a little facetiously because I can only imagine that calling to be the most daunting task in all of scripture-dom. I mean, let's think about this--Moses. MOSES--the man who saw God face to face, the former prince of the most powerful earthly kingdom of the time, and the man through whom God sent the 10 plagues. He led an exodus from Egypt--nay the Exodus. He led the children of Israel through the Red Sea on dry ground. The law of Moses for thousands of years directed the religious practices of God's people, fulfilled only by the new covenant brought by Jesus Christ himself. The ten commandments, the tabernacle, and manna from heaven are all linked to Moses.

Enter Joshua. He is called to follow in Moses' footsteps. Those are some serious sandals to fill. I think if I was Joshua, I would feel nauseous and probably pee my pants--er...man dress..at the same time. I would feel terrified, intimidated, and so unqualified. In reality, these are totally my projections on Joshua. He really might not have felt any of those things. He was doubtless a hundred times more faithful than I am on my best day. But I still imagine that it would be easy to feel like I could NEVER be good enough and would never be able to measure up to my predecessor.

This is a lot of what I feel right now. I feel underqualified, afraid, and wracked with self-doubt on a daily basis. I am really good at comparing my faults and "opportunities for improvement" with other people's highlight reels. It's not good for my self-esteem or confidence in any way but welcome to my life. I hate the unknown. I hate not having the answers. I want to know what I need to know and I want to know now. I want to have certain skills and talents...and I want them now. I don't want to wait for them to come with experience and time because that means I have to experience the discomfort and pain of messing up. I will have to go through a lot of failure. Brene Brown calls this vulnerability. I'm not so good at embracing and accepting vulnerability.

When Joshua is called to be a prophet, he is told four times to be strong and courageous. Courage is the answer to vulnerability. It takes courage to wake up every morning and face the unknown. It takes courage to trust God when he says "as I was with Moses, so I will be with thee: I will not fail thee, nor forsake thee" (Joshua 1:5). Courage is accepting a work that we feel unqualified for and trusting that God will help us figure it out. Courage is accepting our imperfection rather than ignoring it. Courage is waking up every day and sitting through the unknown. Courage is trying...and failing...and trying again. Courage is having patience to be on the journey rather than focusing on the destination.

Courage is leading people to the river Jordan when God promises to let them pass through on dry ground. The children of Israel did not wait for the water to divide before they started. The priests entered the water first, trusting that God would divide the water so they could cross. It is only after they entered the water that their faith was rewarded.

Sometimes I find myself at the bank of the water waiting for it to divide first rather than wading in. Or when I take a tentative step, I panic if the waters don't immediately divide. I feel afraid and jump back to the shore. I wonder where God is and why he isn't following through. I wonder if I am even on the right shore. Is this even the right river? Maybe I read my MapQuest directions wrong or made a typo. What is the big deal about this river anyways? Why am I here again? Hello? Is anyone even there? Is my signal dead? Can you hear me now?

But, doubting God's hand in our lives is not the answer.  I think that we have to be okay moving forward into deeper water. We keep walking until our feet can't touch. We may feel like we are drowning before He steps in. And I think before he divides the water, he may even ask us to learn to swim--then swim for a while. We might have to swim until our muscles are exhausted. We might be in that river days, months, or even years. Faith is trusting that there is something about the experience, the time, and the struggle that will be for our good. Our courage will be tested before we witness miracles.

When God says, "have I not commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee withersoever thou goest," can we say "All that thou commandest us we will do, and withersoever thou sendest us, we will go." Do we trust that "tomorrow the LORD will do wonders among [us]" (Joshua 1:9, 16; 3:5)

Joshua faced many situations that looked impossible. There were so many times when he could have given up. Instead, he heeded the counsel to be courageous. And God was with him.  He led the children of Israel out of the wilderness into the promised land, conquered many enemies, and even brought down the formidable walls of Jericho. Courage doesn't just happen. It comes through facing our fears over and over and over again. It comes through replacing fear with faith. It comes when we can accept that there will be pain and suffering in life. We will experience failure. We will hurt others and we will be hurt. Our patience will be tested. But we don't have to go through it alone. We have "angels round about us" to bear us up. As we turn to Heavenly Father and our Savior, we can be strengthened to bear our burdens. And through the atonement of Jesus Christ, we can eventually be healed and made whole. We are promised that one day he will wipe away all of our tears.

In the words of C.S. Lewis: “Imagine yourself as a living house. God comes in to rebuild that house. At first, perhaps, you can understand what He is doing. He is getting the drains right and stopping the leaks in the roof and so on; you knew that those jobs needed doing and so you are not surprised. But presently He starts knocking the house about in a way that hurts abominably and does not seem to make any sense. What on earth is He up to? The explanation is that He is building quite a different house from the one you thought of - throwing out a new wing here, putting on an extra floor there, running up towers, making courtyards. You thought you were being made into a decent little cottage: but He is building a palace. He intends to come and live in it Himself" (Mere Christianity)

Right now, life is hard and sometimes our biggest stumbling block is ourselves. Be strong and of a good courage. Remember that "what you see and experience now is not what forever will be. You will not feel loneliness, sorrow, pain, or discouragement forever. We have the faithful promise of God that He will neither forget nor forsake those who incline their hearts to Him" (Uchtdorf, "You Matter to Him"). 

#81 Phi-Phi

May 17

Today was a "love your choice" kind of a day. We set off on an excursion to Ko Phi Phi, an island just off the coast of Phuket. With legendary views and clear water, we were pretty excited to go.

However, we ended up waiting for two hours outside to get on a "speedboat" that was more like a big sightseeing ship with no windows, only a few uncovered seats at the head of the boat. We snagged the seats with the view and tried our best to cover up our sunburns.

Our first stop was at a tiny island with a tiny beach that was in some film with Leonardo DiCaprio. They dropped us off and said "you have 40 minutes." The boats covered the tiny shoreline so I sat in the sand and drew pictures. There were so many people I thought maybe Leo was one of the island amenities but alas, the only activities available were buying a drink or using the toilet. 20 minutes later we boarded.

The next island was the main island of Phi Phi (I am betting you are guessing how this is pronounced. Perhaps you've tried "Fee Fee" or "Pie Pie" because of course it couldn't be "Pee Pee"--how non PC would that be?! Tough luck. You have to say "Pee Pee" like everyone else! Don't worry; you'll stop blushing soon).

We had a decent lunch under a huge canopy. I understand that a lot of Muslim fisherman live on this island so fish is the food to eat here. I had a kind of blah attitude up to this point but I think I was mostly hungry, or as we call it in our family "hangry." I picked up some shells and coral and walked along the shore and felt much better. Again though, it was only 40 minutes before our exuberant guide beckoned us to back to the boat.

Our next kind of stop was passing by "Monkey Bay" where we saw some cute furry friends and the crew blatantly ignored the sign requesting people not feed the wildlife. Bananas!

The final stop was at this teeny tiny maybe the size of half a football field island for "locals" where there were so many tourists it was like hard to not bump into people in the water. Then they persistently tried to sell us drinks, 30 minutes on the beach chairs and even to use the toilets (trust me, if I had to go I was not above peeing in the water). I have a feeling we would have been out of there within 40 minutes but the clouds gave way to the deluge they had been battling against all morning. Man did it pour! I half expected it to be another trap where we would have to pay to stand under the porch.

I decided to entertain myself with people watching. I found a man with the most awesome side profile. I totally would have recruited him for my portrait drawing class back in the day. Since that wasn't an option I decided to practice my paparazzi skills. I'm sad to say I couldn't be creepy enough to get a very good shot.

Eventually we made it back into our boat and sped to shore.

Good things about the trip:
1) This guy (on the top--not the sea-sick guy in the corner). I don't know if the picture does him justice but he was just chillin up there grinning his heart out, rain and shine. He knows how to make his happy.

2) This scenery. I mean, it is pretty breath-taking

3) Practicing being a journey person, not a destination person.
4) The waves were super choppy so at times the boat felt like a legit roller coaster. We caught air more than once. I loved it!...But the guy using his doggy bag?... not so much.
5) Returning to shore:)

Then to top off the night I ordered a delish banana shake and yummy shrimp noodles, took a solitary stroll down a few streets and did a little retail therapy. Behold:

Also can double as brass knuckle;)

#81 Phuket: Zip-lining

May 16

I remember in 12th grade Mr. Cullimore observing that Macbeth was better than Hamlet because at least Macbeth made a decision. Hamlet's indecision left things to fate and lets face it, that story didn't end so well. Murder is obviously not the best decision but Macbeth at least owned his own destiny.

I think about this idea a lot because I hate making decisions. I can't even pick out a restaurant in Provo when I am with my friends. I guess it comes down to wanting to find the BEST option or wanting to avoid people being mad at me. But the funny thing is, I don't know if there is always a best option and I can never please everyone. I think also part of it is not knowing what I want and hating to commit to things. I'll leave it to my therapist to help me figure that out haha. But I am realizing that many of the best times I have had were times when I quit agonizing over options and just did it.

The decision-making complex rears it's head often when I am traveling. Therefore, I typically follow the crowd. This often works out well because then I try new things I wouldn't have tried otherwise. However, sometimes I opt out of other activities I want to try when no one will go with me.

Yesterday, Ashley mentioned in passing that if I wanted, I could go off on my own. It was one of those "Hey, guess what? You are a big girl now. You don't need permission to do what you want" moments. Sometimes I forget that I can be Macbeth.

For a while I had been eying this wall of like 50 brochures advertising various adventures and today I decided to quit Hamlet-ing around and do something I've wanted to do for a long time: zip-lining.

As the blackout curtains make 10:30 look like 6:30, I had to wait for the afternoon time slot. The con to an afternoon trek through the jungle is that I was glistening like Edward Cullen swimming at midday. The huge pro is that I was the only one there so I had two guides and a 2000m course all to myself.

Mon and Rao (my phonetic spelling of their names) led me through the awesome jungle. I only got stuck on the line twice and luckily for you, it was on camera. (I am unwilling to spend monies on editing software and not savvy enough to rotate this on my own--sorry)

Here are more photos that Rao took. I'm just impressed she could multitask zip-lining and photography so well!

I hope you observed glorious Bozo the Clown hair

Also sun + bug bites = sexy legs

Moral of the day. Macbeth-it if zip-lining in Phuket (not murder) is one of your desires. Also, if I can use a squatty potty, you can too!

Now off to find a banana smoothie.

#81-- Chiang Mai, #3 Ride an Elephant

May 13

Good news is that I survived the overnight train. Not nearly as ghetto as feared. We arrived at our hostel bright and early (note crazy bed head)

...and decided to rent mopeds for a drive up the mountain to see a temple and/or palace. The admonition to "always have a prayer in your heart" never had more meaning to me than during this 5 hour period.

Some shots at the palace grounds:

On our way back, we stopped at a cool water fall



...and then we got a 2-hour Thai massage. I want to rave about how awesome it was. I'm sure it would have been awesome to people who like to be massaged. To me it felt like I was being simultaneously bruised and tickled for two hours. Seriously, I was ready to give up national security secrets to Jack Bauer.

I laughed a lot...to keep from crying, so at least I saved some face in front of a random Thai lady I will never see again. I will admit in hindsight though that my body felt really good afterwards.

May 14

Woke up bright and early today to (#3) ride elephants!!!! It was an hour ride from our hostel to Baan Chang elephant reserve. Once there we dawned charming denim scrubs and then our guide, Tom, gave us a brief overview of the elephant reserve.

The first item on the itinerary was feeding the elephants a snack. Apparently, elephants spend four hours a day sleeping and spend the rest of their time eating (maybe elephants are my spirit animal haha).

We also got some kisses from this cute little guy. His style is more airy than I expected.

After a practice ride, we hopped onto (some of us heaved ourselves onto) our elephant. Ashley and I shared an elephant. I was glad to have a buddy. Here are some unexpected lessons from elephant riding:

1) Pie= go (again, spirit animal), goo-ay= turn, how= stop
2) Ugly outfits= less chaffing
2) But you can never escape chaffing
3) Best leg workout ever if, like me, your legs are locked in a death grip around an elephant's neck.
4) I'm certain an hour riding uphill and downhill on a bareback elephant is the equivalent of 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fumanchu
5) Bathing an elephant might result in it bathing you

#81 Bangkok, Thailand

May 11

Ever-faithful jet lag ensured I was up and ready way before our departure this morning. Art, our new Thai friend (friend of a friend) kindly arranged an awesome excursion to the Tiger Temple, a complex three hours south of Bangkok. The long ride gave us ample time to play the "people you might know" game (shout out to our common BYU-H friends) while basking in the air conditioned goodness of the van, serenaded by Adele, The Lumineers, and even my girl T-Swift.

When we got to the complex (in our not-too-bright-or-the-tiger-may-attack-you clothing), we excitedly got our tickets and made our way inside.

So here's the 411 on this place--it was founded by a Buddhist monk for the refuge of tigers who are neglected/abused or abandoned pets. It is now a reserve for over 100 tigers. It runs purely on donations and volunteers. Not only do the monks care for the tigers, but regular people can volunteer for a one-month period (min) or longer. Buddhists believe in preservation of life but also letting life take its course so they care for the animals but they don't sedate or medicate the tigers. The tigers we saw (a select ten or so) had been raised with so much human interaction that they were ok being around people as long as people didn't act stupid.

So to be honest, like most everything here, this experience was surreal. I mean, I played with tigers today--real, gorgeous, magnificent tigers.

That said, every part of the day felt like one of those how-I-see-me/how-others-see-me memes.

Examples:

A) Walking a tiger

See mom, you CAN walk a cat!

B) Photo shoot with tiger

So for one photo, my Thai guide/photographer told me to pick up the tiger's tail. I was like "You want me to what?" He repeated his request. I was like "The tail...this here [pointing]...pick THIS up?" He said something in Thai that could be loosely translated as "FML" and started snapping away. Obviously we can see the point of the photo is to both show off my tail-mic karaoke skills and also prove that I can indeed give a tiger a prostate exam.

C) Playing with tiger cubs

D) Feeding tiger

E) Washing tiger

I don't know if you've noticed but there is a lot of tiger hiny-washing and touching going on. A couple of reasons for this. First and foremost, a tiger will rip your head off if you touch his. Second, the tailbone is the trickiest place for a tiger to reach adequately, thus we provide the greatest service by cleaning/scratching/petting said area.
...I may have made the last part up but it sounded legit.

Here's some other fun shots of the reserve.

We followed it up by delicious food at a gorgeous restaurant...:)

PS I don't know how people learn to speak Asian languages with any kind of fluency. I learned "thank you" and "hello/good-bye" about 10 times today and still struggling!

PPS lots of gratitude that it didn't rain

PPSS a HUGE thank you to Art who spent his whole Saturday hanging out with us and watching out for us. What a guy!

May 12

We went to Wat Pho today, aka the Reclining Buddha. I guess people covered this Buddha with mud to hide and protect it from enemies but then it lay forgotten for years before being rediscovered.

I don't know why but in my mind, I pictured a Buddha sitting with his legs traditionally crossed but tilted on his back. Like Buddha was doing crunches or something haha.

When we entered the building housing the statue, I was taken aback by the presence of the statue. It is ENORMOUS! And very lovely. And to clarify, he is reclining on his side:) The feet even had designs inlaid with mother of pearl.

The rest of the Wat Pho complex was also very impressive. The detail of it all blows me away!

From there we made our way on the river ferry to the weekend market.

For the last leg to the market, we convinced a driver to cram all 5 of us in a single tuk-tuk. There was a general consensus that our mom's would probably kill us for such recklessness...love you Mom! Happy Mother's Day! :D

The weekend market reminded me a lot of the Old City in Jerusalem--lots of vendors, bright colors, interesting smells, genie pants, and lots of good people watching.

We took the sky rail back to our hostel. Luckily the lady there was very kind and let us come back to shower even though we were not staying there that night. Then we crammed again (this time into a legit taxi) and made our way to the train station. After a tasty noodle dinner, we boarded the train and settled into our beds.

Ok so if you weren't fortunate enough to witness my last train experience, you've probably heard about it. I'm a recovering germaphobe, and the overnight train in Egypt just about did me in. I'm really quite embarrassed--except it WAS THAT awful. You'll be pleased to know that the overnight train experience in Thailand was a vast improvement. I used the potty without crying and everything.

Now it's off to sleep. Good night Bangkok, good morning Chiang Mai!